Outliving My Fears!

I have officially reached the point of quarantine in which there is no denying how much the whole thing is affecting me. I can no longer go on pretending that I have it all together, because quite frankly, I don’t. Constant waves of emotion, countless tears falling from my cheeks at random, followed by an overwhelming sense of loneliness and fear. I really thought that staying my ass put at home would be easy, but it isn’t. Managing my anxiety has gone from “day by day,” to “minute by minute,” as I go from being completely fine one instant, to completely crippled by panic, in a matter of seconds. I remember when this all started, I saw this an opportunity to take a break from the everyday chaos of life, and hopefully try to put some things in perspective. And yes, that happened too, but now I’m starting to lose it!

I was feeling very ambitious in the beginning, having such high expectations of all the various things I hoped to accomplish with this new abundance of free time. Having been extremely cautious, hygienically, for the last twenty years due to my immunosuppression, that aspect of things wasn’t very hard for me. Furthermore, having spent several months in hospital isolation confined to a bed in the past, I was confident that surely this was a challenge I could get through. No problem! I tried not to fight it, and rather I did my best to embrace the circumstances for what they were. I found creative ways to keep myself entertained, and made extra effort to remain socially distant, yet connected, to my loved ones. I promise you that I could not have survived this if not for my family and my best friends. Social media was booming, and people seemed to really be connecting on all the various platforms. And for the first time ever, there was no FOMO (fear of missing out), because the whole world was literally at a stand still, experiencing this pandemic together. Everybody was home and on lockdown. But about eight weeks in however, things started to change for me personally. I started to lose my motivation. I started to lose my drive. Worst of all, I started to become complacent in my laziness.

Occasional days of laying in bed doing absolutely nothing gradually became more and more frequent. My days started to blend together, making it very difficult to keep track of time during the week. My dialysis schedule being the one thing that remains fixed on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays allowing me to still have some semblance of a routine. I have been on lockdown since Friday, March 6th. Three and a half months of occasional window visits from family and friends, zoom calls, social media banter, and only my personal aide Mishka, to keep me company. It is quite ironic how appreciative I’ve become of getting out of the house, even if it is to have my blood cleaned through a machine for four hours. Aside from these exciting weekly outings, every other day is pretty much consistently stagnant. I have quickly come to realize that actually living Groundhog Day the movie, proves to be not as exciting of an experience as I imagined it to be. I don’t have visitors inside my house, and only physically see my family occasionally, again through a glass window—my only other outside physical contact being with nurses and other patients. I am well aware that some people don’t even have that; however, that doesn’t make it any easier for me.

My brother with my two nephews!

I can feel the grip of sadness and depression tighten around my neck, making it near impossible to breathe, as the weeks quickly slip by. Reality starts to set in that my inactivity has only exacerbated my weakness leaving me in quite a precarious position. As a result, my body has grown incredibly frail from laying around in bed all this time. Everything hurts. Not being able to receive physical therapy for the last three months has been detrimental and has severely compromised my overall quality of life. I’ve begun to notice an inability to do certain things that I was still able to do before the shit hit the fan. For example, it has suddenly become so hard to even sit up in my wheelchair for extended periods of time, without pain searing down the right side of my neck and all the way down my spine. It has also become more difficult to stay off my ventilator for too long before getting an intense, pounding migraine.

To make matters worse, my mother was forced into an early retirement due to Covid-19, which was not something we planned for. This has put a major strain on the two of us financially. There are a lot of expenses that go into my care, and I can’t expect my mother to support me on her own forever! My only other source of income is my monthly SSI disability check (which isn’t much), and the occasional book sale. All of which I am extremely grateful for, however the truth remains that I have a lot of concern in regards to supporting myself financially in the future. In the end, it all becomes a vicious cycle. Laying in bed thinking about everything under the sun to get me anxious, meanwhile in doing so, I’m only getting weaker, which is one of the main reasons I’m anxious.

Text conversation venting to my sister.

If it’s one thing I’ve learned over the course of my life however, it’s the necessity to break myself out of these dangerous negative thought cycles when they occur. My sister was right, I need to take my own advice. I don’t even know what happened. No sooner than I finished writing my last entry about maintaining happiness, I found myself sinking into a quick sand of depression. It was almost as if I had given out all my positivity to the rest of the world leaving no reserve for myself. I must remember that life is not about the situations presented to you, but rather how you handle them. I’ve always handled things head on, and I’m not about to stop now. One of the first steps is acceptance. I have since accepted that the pandemic itself is far beyond my control. Whether a form of natural selection, or man made in a lab, the fact remains that this serious virus lives among us and is taking lives in the process. And unfortunately, my falling into the category of “high risk” while also having great concern for the livelihood of those around me, does not allow me the luxury to start cutting corners. It is what it is. That being said, now that I’ve accepted the reality of my circumstances, I can then move on to mitigate how this all affects me.

Self-awareness is just as important. I can’t stress enough how important it is to take a look inward from time to time, in order to better pin point the things you need to work through for yourself. Now that I am aware of the toll my forced isolation has taken on me, it is up to me to make a committed decision not to let its affects continue. I am the one who must make a conscious decision to alter my thinking and break out of this zombie like state. I am in charge of my own destiny! And so, over the last week I have forced myself to get out of bed, stretch, exercise, change my scenery, and be productive! I have also resumed physical therapy twice a week, and although I am still waiting to see results, just getting up and moving has been a huge mood booster and a game changer. I’ve started writing again, which has been majorly therapeutic, and could also potentially be an avenue for future income. But all these things do not come easily, instead they take the willingness to put in the necessary work. “Anything in life worth having, is worth working for!” And while I’ve managed to snap out of my funk for now, I know that in the upcoming months there will certainly be moments that I get down again. As I’ve said before, life is full of peaks and valleys. We just need to make sure we are equipped with the emotional tools we need to pull ourselves up and out of those deep, dark, valleys when we are in them!

This whole situation has brought me yet again another perspective on life. The world has come to a hault and there is a certain stillness that is so rare. I am appreciating the quiet. I know this is a terrifying time for many (in whatever facets you may be affected). And others think it’s all a big joke. Regardless of opinions however, the fact remains that this is something affecting us on a global scale, and so perhaps some self reflection is in order. That you just cannot deny. Instead, what can you learn from this? How can you be more prepared should something like this occur again in the future? Do you have a safety net in place? Are you going to be a nasty negative asshole? Or are you going to contribute to society somehow and help someone who may really be going through it right now?

I myself have reflected on the fact that despite my limitations I am actually a very active person, and that prior to this madness I have been fortunate enough to still enjoy many luxuries that are a privilege to have. I do a lot, and it’s pretty crazy. Not being able to see people whenever I want to has actually made me more aware of my relationships and more proactive in reaching out to relatives and friends that I have not heard from in too long. I check in on my loved ones and do my part to be involved. I am enjoying getting to know myself again—my quirks, my interests, my flaws, all of it. I am very self aware and working to rebuild my consciousness from the inside out. Maybe we all just needed a reality check and to be reminded of what really matters. However, in a way that really sinks in and sticks. Often times we read a quote that resonates with us or we hear a groundbreaking speech that shifts our mindset…but for how long really?! Perhaps we all needed a forced look at ourselves that we can’t just break free of or escape from. Life is forcing us all to take a deeper look right now so that hopefully when this all blows over the majority of us come out as better people on the other side.

I think the worst part this entire situation is the uncertainty and confusion of it all. No one knows definitively how the virus can even be contracted, or even how long this will last before we can go back to life as we once knew it, if ever! Some people are scared, while others could really care less. Who knows what to believe at this point. But again, my situation does not afford me the luxury to take that gamble. While I fully understand the need for others to reopen their businesses, support their families, “get on with life”, or simply exercise their right to freedom. I personally will most likely remain in solitary lockdown until Spring of 2021 when I’m told this shit is taken care of for good, or we get a vaccine…whichever comes first. I’m not about to be out here taking chances with life that I’ve worked so hard to preserve. In the meantime, I am realizing how imperative it is that I do everything in my power to maintain my physical, emotional, and mental health. At this point, I’m just trying to survive and get through this without putting myself at risk. I want to live to be able to write about it. People ask all the time if I’m scared. My answer to that is, I choose not to live in fear, but rather to do everything I can in order to outlive the fear which has been imposed upon me! Please be safe and use this extended time out as a way to be a better person! Don’t give into your fears either, outlive them! 💙💙💙